Happy 2010

"I hate myself for gaining the weight back".

How many times have I said that to myself and to others over this last year?

I was thinking about my struggles with weight this morning. I truly want this to be the last year my New Years Resolution has anything to do with weight. I want to take it off. I want to feel better physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't want to use this as a crutch anymore. But the fact is...I DON'T hate myself for it. It was a hard year for me. I turned to food. Yes, the hospital didn't provide a healthy eating environment. Yes, I didn't make time for myself to work out because I didn't want to leave Mark. But I also put myself on the bottom of my priority list. I stopped eating right even when I DID have the tools in front of me. I stopped working out even when we were home and I had the opportunity. I used food to comfort me. It never fails. I turned to butter and chocolate. I watched the number on the scale go up and even though I said things like "why am I doing this to myself" and "oh come on just STOP already" the truth is I didn't want to stop. I know this. I own it. I did this to myself with a completely clear head and you know what? It's ok. I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore because it's obviously what I needed this last year.

But 2009 is over.

I do have the Hawaii motivation there's no doubt about it. But more than that, I have the "put Becky back at the top of the priority list" attitude back. I HAVE to take care of myself. I need to give myself that time to myself every day. Read my Bible, talk with God, eat right because I feel better when I do, exercise because I feel better when I do. Not to lose the weight to look better in the bathing suit (which obviously is a huge motivator as well don't get me wrong....) but because when I do these things for ME I simply feel better ABOUT ME. That should be, and it is, reason enough.

I have no idea what I weigh right now. Frankly I'm a bit scared to get on that scale. I'm giving myself through this weekend before I hop on. I've eaten every single thing I could think of to eat over the last month or so and I feel very sure that I've satisfied every single craving that might come up for a while!!! I'm ready to go. I'm going to fast today and tomorrow (save for coffee that is because well, hey I need my coffee and it IS a diuretic! LOL) to purge my system of all this extra salt. My rings are super tight right now ugh! Then Monday morning I will take the kids to school, hop on the scale and begin my 8 month count down to Hawaii. I want to lose 10 pounds a month. I will follow my diets to the number, I will work out AT LEAST 45 minutes a day for AT LEAST 5 days a week. I bought the three biggest loser videos that I talked about in a previous blog, plus I have my elliptical. I have no excuses.

I packed on over 30 pounds this last year. Nothing fits. My ankles are starting to hurt again when I wake up and take the first steps out of bed. I do not feel sexy. I can no longer see my collar bones. I can no longer see my hip bones when I'm lying on my back. All these things that made me so proud when I lost the weight have disappeared. I will get them back. I will make MYSELF proud. I will do this for ME and nobody else. I will succeed. This will not beat me.

Here's to a healthy 2010. Here is to the year of Becky. It's all about me now.