Super sore

So I've taken a couple days off of exercise. I have two halfway decent excuses:

1. I've had things to do during the day and wasn't home during my designated "work out time".

2. I was SO COMPLETELY SORE!!!!

I started out doing the elliptical and some arm weights, but then I pulled out (and dusted off) all my biggest loser DVD's and put in Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Holy Hannah!!! She is kicking my tail!!! Wowzer!! But she says; "If you expect results with only 20 minutes a day I can provide that, but you have to WORK FOR IT!" Oy....she's not kidding!!!

So, ya. I'm back on the exercise tomorrow, no matter how much it hurts! :D

I AM proud.

I can say that I'm proud of myself. I think truly it's the first week of ANY change that is the hardest to complete. Making it through the horrible "habit addictions" is ROUGH! Going into day four i have successfully stayed within my calories, exercised EVERY day for at least 20 minutes and all in all felt really good about my progress.

Every day is a struggle for me now. I do remember a time when eating right and exercise was easy...yes EASY! I was in a good groove, had all those bad habits under control and was going so strong. But ya know, life happens. But since I can still vividly remember how that felt, I know what I'm shooting for from personal experience which is making it easier for me to push myself thru these first few HELLA HARD days and persevere.

I'm doing it. I am proud of myself. The change has begun.

I did it!

I made it through day one!!!! YAY!!!!!

Found this super cool free app on my super cool new Droid called "My Fitness". It took all my personal information and made a daily caloric intake for me. I can enter and track my food, exercise and water for the day. It's so easy! I actually downloaded it like 3 weeks ago (oh ya when I first got the phone) but hadn't used it til today. Love it!

Anyway, stayed within my calories, did yoga and the elliptical, drinking my water.....goooood girl!

Five words to change it all....

"Mama, your neck is fat".

Ouch.

This out of my beautiful, precious 5 year old baby girl as she was tickling me. Her face turned beat red as I couldn't control my exaggerated pouty face and she immediately started back tracking and kissing me apologetically. Ugh. So wrong on so many levels.

I can't tell you that this is the end of my struggle. I won't say that I have finally reached my boiling point. I absolutely won't/can't say that I will never slip again or that I will work out everyday or lose such and such pounds by such and such date. Been there, done that...still fat.

However. I can say with utmost certainty and truth, that hearing my innocent girl lay it out there in complete truth, did open my eyes. I have only 20lbs left of my original weightloss.

That means in the last year and a half I've gained back 43lbs....that's a lot. It's bad for my energy, my pain, my HEART. This has become a life battle now...no more denying it. I am a morbidly obese woman who has been overweight well over half her life and I've lost and gained the same 20-60lbs at least 3 times now....2 more times and it increases my chance of heart attack by 35%. I have a husband and three beautiful children that need me. I have to stop this cycle.

I got on my elliptical tonight and went 11 minutes. Then I did 30 reps of several different arm exercises. Is it ideal? No. Is it what I need to do to burn the calories of the pizza and beer I had for dinner? No. Is it an honest beginning with the best intentions of moving forward from today and trying to build a brand new Becky. THAT'S what it is.

So, pray for me my friends. Pray for strength, pray for endurance, pray for self control, most of all pray for healthy changes for me AND my family.

I will try to post on here more often....if you don't hear from me...pray I hop back on the wagon cuz chances are I'm too embarrassed to come here and admit defeat.

One step at a time. One pound at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. (cliche but oh so fitting.....)

Still going strong.

I think that's the first time I've been able to say that since I started this blog. That felt good!

I'm on day 5, I'm down 6 pounds (most of which I'm sure was water retention) and my motivation is still on track. I have been tempted a few times by kids dinners but I have not faltered! So proud of myself right now! I realized (after being asked by a friend) that it's better for me right now NOT to set a long term goal. If I think about the big picture too much I get overwhelmed and just collapse mentally.

I tell myself each morning when I get up, I'm going to eat healthy today. I'm going to drink all my water. I'm going to move more than I rest. So far so good. At each opportunity to eat I make a conscious (VERY conscious) decision to make healthy choices. To keep my portions small, my caloric intake and fat intake low and the fiber intake high. There's so much yummy fresh fruit right now I haven't had to satisfy my sweet tooth with anything but healthy stuff so that hasn't been an issue. I'm praying that I can force myself through this part that is always the hardest until it becomes habit.

Eating after 7pm...that's the hardest for me. My trick is to chew gum and drink tons of water when I start itchin for a snack. So far...so good.

Thanks for the well wishes and prayers! Keep them up cuz they be helpin! Do I dare wish for another 6 pounds next week??? Naaahhh...I'm not stupid! LOL

I miss my collar bones....

When you're heavy for a time and your body starts getting fluffy certain things (besides the obvious) start to happen. One that bothers me the most is that I "lose" my bones. My hip bones, my shoulder bones, my knuckles and my beloved collar bones. I do not know why I love them so, but I do. When I lost all my weight a couple years ago I was brushing my teeth one morning and saw a smudge of dirt on my neck. I was like...what the heck is that?? So I went to rub it and realized it was A SHADOW!!! Yes, a shadow cast by my bone. What a wonderful feeling that was!

Fast forward two years to this morning, same scene of brushing my teeth. I was watching myself brush as I do every morning and glanced down at my neck and noticed that shadow was BLARINGLY....missing. *sigh*

It's the little things.

I hate how my motivation has been so sketchy this year. It's been a real bummer. I stopped caring. It's a good think I never had an addiction to drugs like I do my food because I undoubtedly would be dead right now. I've got a good desire going right now that has gotten me through three days! Yes, I'm three days in and have been good! Although, I must say I was tempted by a half eaten hot dog last night (Grace's...why oh why can't I stop eating when I'm full like she can???). It was sitting there looking all nummy and I took a huge bite! I did!!! Then I realized that 1. it was cold, 2. it was stale, 3. there was no mustard. I was like...why in the WORLD did I just do that? I TOTALLY SPIT IT OUT!!! I was so proud of myself!! I was like, nope...I refuse to self sabotage myself with something when I've been doing SO well! AND IT DIDN'T EVEN TASTE GOOD SO WHY WASTE THE CALORIES!!!! Oh ya...duh! *deeper sigh*

6 weeks. 6 whole weeks until Hawaii. I can be good for 6 stinkin weeks!!!! That is my goal. Day to day I will repeat to myself....I can do ANYTHING for 6 stinkin weeks.

6 months? Really?

Ya. Almost SIX months since my last weightloss blog. That's just sad. What's even sadder is the reason I haven't blogged....no motivation, no drive, no desire, no weight loss. Shocker. What's the deal with this same old boring story anyway? I'm sick of telling it. I'm sure y'all are sick of hearing it.

So, Hawaii is a little over a month away. I have some capris I would REALLY like to get into for the trip (not the original ones btw, but whatever). Yesterdays festivities were wonderful and I did a good job eating whatever I wanted. Well, technically I've done that for well over a year now, but we aren't keeping score are we? mmmkay, thanks. :) I told myself that I'd chill until the 4th was over. It's over now and I've done pretty well with the "day after" motivation. It's now 8:30pm and the late night munchies will be upon me soon. I'm praying...praying hard...that I can make it through. Try is just an excuse to fail. So I won't try. I will do.

Again.

Someday this will all be behind me and I can laugh at myself at how stupid I was.

I wonder if I can have my taste buds surgically removed.....

Self Sabotage Revisted

Seriously? Again? What is WRONG with me? Pure laziness. That's my only reason/excuse for what I do to myself. And the thought of "Can't have it" with the larger come back of "Try and stop me". Old fashioned rebellion maybe? *SIGH*

So, ya, that's where I am today. Two days ago I was all pumped up and ready to take on a month of "perfection". Perhaps that's my undoing. I promise myself I'm going to do something and then bam...do the complete opposite. LOL nothing like self sabotage. Left over pizza, dinner out with the hubby, that was all it took to put me back into the downward spiral. Even after I journaled and set up a new system for myself!!! And not one of those long drawn out complicated ones either! Went and checked out the local gym...which btw I decided against for a multitude of reasons: I've done it alone before and I can do it again, it's way too expensive, it's dated and a little dirty, I don't really think I'd use it enough for it to pay for itself AND the final reason...at $50 a month, in less than a year I could use that money to buy my own weight machine and have it forever. I already have the elliptical...it's not like they can offer me that much more than what I can do at home. (see mom, I can make good financial decisions on my own!!! LOL)

Pray for me, my friends. That I can make this my last promise to myself. That I can find the will power to out last my laziness, my temptations, my self sabotage.

Can the year of Becky finally begin? We shall see. We shall see.

Did it anyway....

So, ya. Said I wasn't gonna weigh in til next week but I am weak and did it anyway. LOL!! Even with swelling and whatnot I'm still down 2 more pounds!! WOOT WOOT! This means I am only 4 pounds away from my monthly goal and I THINK I should be able to go over and beyond it by the end of January. Good way to get a head start on February right? Yay!!

Headed to the vet this morning with Sam who has some weird bloody bump on his leg. Doesn't seem to hurt him but it sure is weird. Don't wanna end up with a three legged dog so we gotta nip it in the bud! After that I'm a free woman! Gonna do my elliptical AND yoga today then my 120 crunches and 330 leg lifts!! Oh ya baby!

Have a great day girls and go out there and burn some calories!!!!

So I did NOT weigh in....

Because Aunt Flo is visiting and I always gain when she's in town. She's such a bitch. So ya...I'll weigh in NEXT week!

I will say though that I've had a great week! I've been working out and it feels amazing. I find it so interesting how different my body is when I work out. Like it's WEIRD. I feel changes in my legs, butt and arms already and it's only been a few weeks. I mean seriously...being consistent with the exercise really does change your body so fast! The eating better is great, but to really make a marked difference in the LOOK of your body...add the work outs. Not to mention the lift in mood. Nothing like a mood enhancer like a little endorphin rush! (right sister?)

I wasn't perfect on my eating over the weekend because we were busy busy so I wasn't able to eat right off my list every meal. BUT even when I couldn't, I made good choices. Which in the end really is KEY. You have to learn how to eat outside your house too. You have to not make being out and about a reason to eat crap. Because as soon as you do those excuses follow you home and before you know it you're eating cold hot dogs and Cheetos with a side of snickers for dinner at 935 at night. AM I RIGHT????? So ya...I'm holding my own, I'm still determined, still motivated, still going strong!

OH and a bit of good news...I fit back into a pair of jeans I couldn't get on in December! (See the working out paragraph again!). They weren't comfy enough for me to actually WEAR....but I got them up and zipped!!! Baby steps! LOL!!!